Every now and then I come across something I’ve written and it makes me chuckle. Sometimes it makes me wonder what the hell I was thinking on that day. This little piece is a little of both.
“Inspector Fruit Cake & The Secret Sauce”
Lady bugs. Peacock feathers and the charred remains of three bananas. Inspector Ignacious Fruit Cake surveyed the scene.
“Yes.” Inspector Fruit Cake nodded, not taking his eye’s off the second charred banana.
The tall spindly form of officer Twist knelt down to examine the burnt form that had absorbed the inspectors attention. “What makes you so sure?”
Inspector Fruit Cake pointed to a chunk of walnut on the second banana. “See there? That was Lemon Drop LaMoan, his ex-girlfriend. We just ended her protective detail last week. Sauce had been laying in wait.”
“Sir, I’m sorry, wasn’t LaMoan your sister?”
“Yes. As far as we have siblings. She was at least part of the mix, if you will.”
Inspector Fruit Cake’s left lemon peel twitched a little and he sighed. “With that, lets take a break for coffee.”
Coffee in hand, Inspector Fruit Cake sat down at the chief’s desk.
“I’m sorry son,” the chief said. “Is there anything I can do for you Ignacious?”
“I want Secret Sauce’s head on a platter!”
“It’s already in a bowl.”
“You know what I mean.”
“You’re a police officer in the weirdest damn police force in the multiverse, show some respect for the badge man. Revenge is not how we do things. Justice, following the law and sticking to our principles is the only thing that keeps us from being a laughing stalk.”
“You don’t think Secret Sauce is laughing at us?”
The chief shifted and rubbed the little hairs growing out of the green mold atop his head, “I’m sure he is. He was always stark raving mad since birth. He didn’t cry when he was born, they say he came out cackling evil!”
“I’m not surprised. The bastard is pure evil. He needs to be stopped.”
“Time is running short. What clues did he leave at the scene? Anything we can use to track him down?”
“No. None, beyond the signature pouring of his sauce all over the crime scene.”
Just then the light in the chief’s office began to flicker. The pair looked around startled. From the corners of the ceiling and spreading out and down the walls a black liquid, like oil, but what they both recognized as chocolate, poured forth.
“He’s here!” Inspector Fruit Cake jumped up from his chair, spilling his coffee and knocking over the chief’s garbage can.
The contents of the can spilled out onto the floor. Five large and empty bottles of gourmet dessert sauces bounced on the floor. Inspector Fruit Cake’s eyes widened, then he turned his gaze to the chief.
The chief was smiling, his eye’s bulging.
“But how, why?”
The chief reached up and grabbed a chunk of his head and pulled it free. Chocolate looking syrup gushed forth and ran down the side of his face. His mouth opened and he laughed, cackled and began to gurgle, than choke as his body liquified before Inspector Fruit Cake.
The room was filling up quickly. Inspector Ignacious Fruit Cake could tell time, was indeed running out. He closed his eyes and set his spongy feet directly into the deepening pool of sauce.
“You won’t get away with this Secret Sauce! I’ve been waiting for you!”
The inspector focused his thoughts, feeling the cool liquid at his feet and pulling it in.
A loud sucking sound engulfed the room as the sauce was pulled into the spongy cake matter of the inspector’s legs. He could feel it trying to get away, trying to seep out and escape. He pulled in, using the muscles of his mind and body to pull the liquid into him.
A spluttering gasping noise filled the room as the sauce disappeared from view and turned the inspectors fruit cake form, from blonde to brown.
Inspector Fruit Cake stood before the desk head swirling back and forth, “I’ve…,” he teetered, then slumped back down into his chair, “got you now Secret Sauce.”